Jonah Hex - The Hex is on us.

So for some reason, i felt compelled to give Jonah Hex a chance, and went to go see this movie.

It was a Friday, and the Famous Players Colossus theater was typically busy as it should be on a Friday. So 10 mins left before the start, me and my cousin rush to try to get seats. It took us a few moments to realize that the actual room the movie was playing in, was the last theater at the end of the hall of this massive Colossus.

So we walk in wondering if we'll be able to grab good seats. We turn the corner and as we look up into the seating section we notice that there isn't SINGLE SOUL in this theater. This was not a good sign. To be fair, a few people did eventually walk in as the lights went down. It was a group of four tweens, and two older couples for a total of 10 people in this theater.

One couple came all the way to the back and sat in the corner of the theater. The other sat directly in front and were all cuddly kissy for the whole movie. When the lights came up at the end of the movie, the couple to our left, were doing up their pants. So you can guess why they came to "see" this movie.

I thought to myself, how can this movie be all that bad. Its staring Josh Brolin and John Malkovich! Two pretty good actors in my book. I thought they would counter-balance the typically horrid acting from Megan Fox. I wish she was a porn star. I really do. She's good looking, and shes awfully bad at acting. In fact, I've seen better acting in porn. So she would fit right in, cause she is sexy, but i don't consider that a talent.

The movie also had Will Arnett (from Arrested Development) playing the serious looking Lieutenant Grass. I could not take him seriously in this role. Its like watching Jim Carry play General Patton. Just doesn't seem like the right fit.

Ok so lets talk about this movie for a second. What a liked is how they don't waste anytime introducing the character of Jonah Hex and the hatred for General Turnbull. They talk about the Hex's power of him being able to talk to the dead in a kind of compelling way. After all this movie is based on a Comic book.

But as the story drags on we start to see ridiculous moments and plot points that reminded me of Wild Wild West. Instead of a giant mechanical spider, it was a giant canon that shot nuclear canon balls. Wow really? The old west with nuclear weapons? Not to mention the opening scene, which you do see in the trailer, was Jonah Hex shooting Gatling guns attached to his horse.

So this movie was poop with poop dressing on it.

1/5 Xombie heads

Review: Prince of Persia... with no Persians

It's no secret that Prince of Persian: Sands of time is based on the Xbox game of the same name. The Prince of Persia series has been around since the Super Nintendo and has gained even more popularity with its recent release of both movie and yet another new video game.

Jerry Brockheimer and Disney bring you this video game series on the big screen with the hopes of creating another franchise like Pirates of the Caribbean. Directed by Mike Newell, Prince of Persia Sands of time is well crafted visually and not so much in the story. In fact the visual backgrounds of the Persian castles are spectacular views on the big screen.

Ok so it's no suspension of disbelief that the concept behind the movie is about a magical dagger that was crafted by the ancient gods. What is bad about this plot is how all the elements are brought together. The movie starts out with Dastan, played by Jake Gyllenhaal, as a brave orphan who is by chance/destiny discovered by the King who adopts the boy after witnessing Dastan's bravery against his own guards. Ok great, I'll buy that. Very noble.

Flash forward 15 years later and the boy has become a Man. His Brothers (the actual sons of the King) are tipped off by some anonymous spy that nobody actually sees, that a neighboring Kingdom in Persia is selling weapons to Persia's Enemies. The King's brother Nizam, played by Sir Ben Kingsley supports the notion for war, and thus they invade the city.

This is where I get confused. The opening shot of the film is an ancient map displaying the size of the Persian Empire. So how is there another Kingship in Persia? But whatever, I'll keep going with it.

This other kingdom, is lead by Princess Tamina (of a different royal bloodline then the kings) played by Gemma Arterton who I instantly fell in love with in this movie. She was also in this summers Clash of the Titans. Easily One of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. She was actually a nice distraction away from a lot of the inconsistencies this movie has to offer. But then again this is a 'G' rated Jerry Brockheimer production so what do you expect? But I digress. Tamina is the keeper of the magic sand dagger to which this whole movie is essentially about.

So next thing you know, the king is poisoned by wearing a cloak (somehow), and Dastan is set-up as the fall guy and he escapes with Tamina, thus throwing our story into motion.

Whats typical about Brockheimer movies is how fast characters move from a one location to another so fast. One scene where Dastan and Tamina are both at the top the Empirical tower, and the next scene they're in the basement of the tower. I understand that for the sake of the audience you have to move from location to location to move the plot along, but give me a proper transition.

Another scene is where Dastan springs an ancient booby trap and the floor begins to give way and he falls for like 50 feet before he acrobatically jumps to safety. He takes a breath, and suddenly the Hassansin (bad guy sent to hunt him) appears out of nowhere and they start fighting. At this point I was like "WTF?" How the heck did he find him 50 feet or so below where the ground used to be?

I hate it when shit just seems to happen so fast that you don't have time to absorb what you just saw. I can say this much about the climax of the movie. Without giving away the ending, it was just so far fetched that what they were trying to prevent from happening, happens and then wraps everything up for a neat little packaged, happy ending, and see you later.

Some positives to mention are some of the cinematic elements from the Prince of Persia Series from the Xbox/playstation games are present. One Scene Dastan has to figure out a way to open a gate that seems to be impossible to get to. The camera, like in the game, then plots the path that Dastan has to take to accomplish his goal. Thus Dastan follows this path. Another shot is the Eagle vision shot, where Dastan stands atop of a high roof before making a jump, and the camera pans around him showing you the depth of the scenery.

So basically if I was 8 years old, I probably would have liked the movie. There was beautiful princess. Lots of fast paced action, some cool looking shots. Too bad I'm an adult and wanted a little better conceived script then the one that was played out for us. I also would have like to see more street jumping. Like in the opening scene of Casino Royal where they do some crazy looking street jumps. Given the Prince of Persia character is this crazy agile, street jumping character. I would have done a little more to showcase this extreme new sport.

2/5 Xombie Heads on this one.